Back in Blogtown

Hm wow it's been a while since I last wrote something on my blog. There is one main reason for it: work! Yes it's a fact, I graduated in June, filled in some applications on websites and the first company that invited me for an interview and a test was Total, and a month later they offered me a contract. So August 4 I started at the Total Refinery in Antwerp, and that's where I still work today, luckily. :) Since then my life changed a lot, because I always have to get up at 5.15u and I was soooo not used to that. So no more going to bed at 2 o'clock during week days, now it's more something like 10.30u... I'm a woos. :p Work is awesome, most of my colleagues are really nice and I like the job a lot. There's a lot of variety in the tasks (that's the least you can say about it lol) and it's quite independent work.

Enough about work, there's something that bothers me... In the beginning of the year I had the feeling I'd met some really REALLY nice people online (I know, online... you can't get the complete image of how someone is, but still I think you can get a pretty good idea about it) but by now, the last days of the year, all contact has completely disappeared. Although I had a crazy summer with them, late September something changed. The summer feeling was gone and after saying goodbye then, we never said another word to each other. It is just SO strange, I don't really understand it. Or more specific: I don't understand myself in this. But I hear the comment is 'she doesn't speak to us anymore', well my comment is also 'they don't speak to me anymore', what's the difference? Maybe you can tell me what YOU feel about it?
And the thing that's even stranger: during summer I had the feeling when I saw certain people 'this is it, contact will fade out and it will end here' but no, at this point these are the people that I still e-mail with or talk to on msn. Anyway, I don't have a problem with anybody and I am happy that I got to know every single one of you (I mean all the ones not-Turkish now lol :p), it's an experience in life and wouldn't want to have missed this summer.

Bodystyling week 3

Oké, so far so good... Until now I did first 2 sessions bodystyling, then went on a 10 day trip to Kusadasi and then did 3 more sessions of bodystyling. I thought my trip to Turkey would have ruined the whole thing because it was 10 days filled with eating and drinking and more drinking. But noooo, I even had lost some weight after that holiday haha! :)

So after 5 sessions:

Weight: -1.5 kg
Centimeters: -12

It's a bit of a slowly start, but considering my history they all say I can be happy and I'm doing good. So still very motivated!

What's the point of it all?

Sometimes, as in now, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m sitting at home, thinking about my life and thinking how useless it seems. I have my share of friends who I love and they love me too, I have a good job, great parents. But does that make my life meaningful? I’m afraid not. I don’t have someone to come home to at night, to share the good times and the bad, to go to bed with in the evenings and wake up in his arms in the morning. I know that’s not what should control my life, but it does at the moment because it’s the only thing I really miss. I miss the feeling of confidence in myself and in my future. At the moment it all feels so empty.

I know what made me feel like this, or better who. I just got back from Kusadasi, and yes… some sweet-talking no good lowlife got into my head.
Hm did I just write that? I know he’s no good, but oh god he is so adorable, knows just what to say to me, how to make me melt inside. I know this guy for months, it was the third time I saw him. From day one he caught my eye, but so what… I knew he had a fiancée so I didn’t show him that I liked him or anything. But they are so good at this; he must have seen it from the beginning. Well first time I saw him in May when I was there to celebrate my birthday and we didn’t say much to each other. Second time in June we were both a lot more talkative and there was a little touch here and there. I have to admit normally I don’t think I would appreciate a guy getting all touchy, but he could do just about anything with me at that point (as a matter of speaking!). So without thinking about it, I think from that moment I kind of showed him my interest.
Last time, in July, it was like there were no boundaries anymore… the first night he gave me a big hug, saying how happy he was to see me again, that I was his favourite, he missed me, blabla.
Then again all the little strokes here and there, all the eye contact. When I think about it, it was really a night full of flirting. Still I was shocked when the second night he just came to me and asked me to come back for him at closing time, so we could go home together. WHAT?! First for months he is telling me how great I am, that he loves the way how I’m behaving myself in Kusadasi, not throwing myself in front of every guy in Bar Street and how he respects that. Now he just tells me as blunt as possible how he sees I like him and that he wants to be with me that week because he likes me too. Well what an asshole, having a fiancée and saying those things. But oh god how right he was about me.
So should I? Hm tough one. If I purely thought about the pleasure for that night, I would have said yes right away. But I’m just not like that. I really had started to like that guy, how silly that may sound. I thought he could be just a friend, because I was not at all planning to come in-between a relationship. But time after time it comes to show: with Turkish men it’s all or nothing. Just being friends with a woman seems really impossible.
So I told this guy I wasn’t going to sleep with him, because if I did, what would be the result in the morning? I wouldn’t be any better than the sluts walking around Bar Street, just looking to go home with a handsome bar man. I’m no one night stand kinda girl, too bad… But he knew just as well as I did, that my answer came from my mind, not from my heart. My heart said go for it, because I liked him and what’s the big deal, we could have had a great week together and that’s it. So night after night this game went on. One night I actually was on my way home with him. I got myself that far, but still at one point I just knew nothing good would come out of it, so I said no, once again. Must have been pretty frustrating for the guy. :)
But at the end of the day I’m happy I didn’t go further than kissing with him, because now I’m already in a pretty bad mood, but if I slept with him I think it would have been 10 times worse, I don’t want to imagine that one.

Why can’t I just meet a Belgian guy, just as cute and funny and sweet as him, but with one little difference: genuine!
Sometimes I think what the hell, I’ll find my guy sooner or later, no worries. But oofff at the moment I think I’ll end up sad and lonely, because who would want someone like me? : Negativity all around…

Bodystyling day 0

Today I had my appointment at the Bodystyling centre and so now I know what the possibilities are for my body... And I have to say, it sounds too good to be true.
Goal set by them: -90 cms all over my body.
Personal goal: -20 kgs.

I am still a bit sceptical towards the whole thing, but I will give it a try. The first 2 appointments for my introduction lessons are made. Perfect body here I come lol.

Eat that...

Who would have thought: ME starting as a management assistant at Total. I bet none of the teachers at Hogeschool Gent saw that in silly little tomato An lol. August 1 will be thé day. First day of the new chapter in my life, called 'working'. :)

Oh little detail, I will start working for the same company as my old crash Mr Perfect. Exciting... Actually I don't think I will ever run into him or something, but still the thought of him also being there somewhere, bbrrr. ;p

Let's get drastical

Oké, yesterday I just had enough of it. I noticed that last week in Turkey I lost 2 kilos. How's that possible?! I ate a LOT (yes I know, probably much healthier than at home), drank coke with dinner and in the evenings I drank cocktails and beer, every single night... And here at home I drink water all the time, also try to watch what I eat and what is the result? I lose nothing, not even a pathetic 100 grams.

So: I am going to start Bodystyling! Today! After my appointment there, I'll know what the possibilities are, set my goals and on this blog I will write the evolution. :) Hmm if i can hang on to it of course.

You know who you are

You got it girl, everything you wanted. But be careful, because now I am the one being hurt, but one day everything will turn and you will see that your 'best friends' are not the ones you think they are.

And you know what, if you really did say everything back you read here, I hope someone will get under your skin and make you suffer aswell, as you deserve. You seemed so smart, but are you really just an ignorant little girl, afraid of finding out the truth?

If not, please tell what it is, because I have no idea what makes you do this.

Play the player :)

Pfuuuh oké, for the first time in my life, I did it... lol. I played so badly with a guy's feelings. Well not just any guy, it was a turkish guy. That makes it not so bad, does it?

How it started: I arrived in Kusadasi last week, saw the guy I was crazy about, he just followed me to the toilet and starts kissing me. HUH? : Yes, that was my reaction. I don't know what gave him the impulse to do that, but I was not really unhappy about it. I had to leave after that, but he was coming to see me later that evening. Good... or not, because he didn't show up. I was angry, but the next day in the evening I couldn't take it anymore and sent him a message. Answer was not so bad, so I decided to go and have a drink at his bar the next day. He was so different, cold. I was totally confused. WHY the hell did he kiss me in the first place, I never gave him the impression I liked him.
After this, I talked about it with my friend and she decided to pay him a visit. Then he started telling her that I was a child, had to grow up, that we didn't even kiss?!

So that was that... the tears came out, all the disappointment, the anger, everything! And then I decided it was going to end and someone had to pay for it. I knew I couldn't get to the loser who did this to me, but sure some other player was going to pay. And what a miracle, 5 minutes later I knew who it was going to be. :p

This poor boy had said like 10 times before that he loved me, that he wanted me to be his one and only, blabla. Maybe it was true, probably not. I went to see him, gave him hope, sent him sweet messages, then gave him a cold look when he came near. Aahh time after time, it must have driven him crazy. He was about to give up on me, but without even so much as kissing him, he continued to try for me, and if I may believe him, he still waits for me now. :) If that is true or not, I don't care it just felt good.

We will see what happens next, in 3 weeks time. All I hope is I don't see H. because if I still feel then as I do now, I will just fall apart. But NEVER will he know that.

Injustice kills me.

Whether it's with me or with one of the people close to me... being treated in a wrong way makes me furious. I would do everything possible to make it undone or to make the person doing it pay for his actions. In this case, it is me who some ******* are after and at the moment I have the feeling there is nothing I can do about it. This feeling of being powerless is the worst thing to feel. Not so much because I am missing something now, but most importantly because the bad guy isn't punished. He still can do whatever he likes and acts like he is some kind of god gift. Well he sure is NOT anything like that, quite the opposite I would say. I gave him the benefit of the doubt in the beginning, and again I was proven wrong. 'They' seem to be all the same... if you know what I mean.

I hate fights, I really do. But... if someone gets to me, they will get an answer. I will never just turn my back and walk away, when I feel I am right about something or when someone hurts me or my friends. In this case I am right and I am hurt. So far I didn't just walk away, and I am not yet planning to. But I am almost running out of amunition to fight, because what can I possibly do to get a good ending to this story for me?

In my heart I still believe that the people with a good heart and the right intentions will always be the happy ones in the end, and the bad ones will be regretful about their loss and about what they did to others and suffer the consequences. I know real life is nothing like a typical Hollywood movie where the good guys always win, but is it really too much to ask for to let justice do its thing...

Facebook is driving me crazy

Was I so wrong about Ismail? I can't believe it just yet, although the facts are there on Facebook. We are through together so whatever he does is his business, but hitting on my friend through Facebook and e-mail?! That is really a bit too much for me. I am pretty sure it's his way of taking revenge on my, because he couldn't play me the way he wanted it. I can't think of anything else, because it's either this or he being VERY stupid.

And the other smaller reason why Facebook is driving me crazy, is because I can see how popular mister H. is with the ladies. :)

7 days have passed...

... and still I feel depressed. Wednesday 30 April I left for Kusadasi, and even when I was on the plane, I thought 'Isn't this journey one big mistake?'. I had said to myself that this would be my last visit to Kusadasi ever if it wouldn't be just perfect. But guess what, it turned out to be... perfect! I met some wonderful people from France and Ireland, and even the Turkish guys surprised me in a positive way lol. With that positive I mean that I met some guys of whom I think it's possible to have a laugh with but also a decent conversation, without something more. And I have to admit, yet again I met 1 guy that swept me off my feet. He didn't notice it, even now he doesn't, and if I can keep my mouth shut I don't think he'll ever know. Why would I tell... I know I'm not pretty enough (he is 'used to go out with models') and if that wasn't an issue, well I heard lots of things about him and in the end he is just a bad person. He even 'frightens' me sometimes with his comments, he is about the most direct person I know. So oké, he can't be good for me, but still there IS something about him and I can't forget him just yet.

But enough about him... let me say something about Nano and John, my two fellow sados I have met. People that know me, just laugh at me when I say that I am actually a shy person, but I'm sure John will agree. In the beginning I was a shy little tomato, but after some Efes I think I rather quickly loosened up hehe. When we were drinking our first few Efes in Kitty's O'Shea, Nano arrived and I did something I would normally never do, I jumped off my chair, ran to her and gave her a big hug. Afterwards I heard she even didn't know what was happening to her or who was hugging her the first few seconds! Ah we really are weirdos I know! :)
That first night I also met the Dutch girl Femke, who is partner in Temple Bar. She and her family are véry nice people! I can't remember exactly how it came up, but I told her quite a lot, also that it was going to be my birthday 2 days later and she asked me if I wanted to celebrate in her bar, because then she would arrange cake and stuff... DUH! Of course I wanted that! :)

The day of my birthday was also my last day there, so it was a bit of a double feeling I had, but no time to get sad about it, because it was all way too good that day. Little summary of the day: When we woke up, me and Nano went for a breakfast in Regatta (yes, where all the cuties work :p) and did some shopping. We passed the place H. works, but I was too chicken to go in (or even to look in) and we continued... For FOUR whole days I was planning some kind of meeting with that guy, but always something came up or I was too chicken to go meet him at his place. But I think that's normal, because he wanted me to come there alone and as a girl going into a bar full of strange people, not my cup of tea! But ok I was busy shopping and afterwards we went back to Regatta (where else). Femke and her family were there, we made some arrangements for the evening with her and then went home. John picked me up to go shopping at Kipa, because I planned a chocolate fondue for the whole bunch and on the way home picked up Femke and family. After a very nice evening at the house, we continued the party at Orient to do some karaoké BUT me and John first paid H. a little visit. (Finallyyyy I got to see him lol) He looked very serious in the beginning, nothing like I thought he would be, because I only knew the joking side of him from on msn. But after a few minutes I felt he changed in his behaviour and I felt some change on me aswell hmmm :) I was surprised of what he did to me, how he made me feel. I was so falling for this guy, unbelieveable... Before, eveybody said to me he is no good, he's not even cute, don't think you'll like him,... but as everybody should know by now, when it comes to guys I am a very strange girl. So the verdict is: he's cute, he seems nice, I could get along perfect with him (apart from one detail that I'll forget for now :p). He's even gonna take me to Istanbul later this year. Yes I know: never gonna happen, just words, blabla. But let a girl dream alright.
But to continue: me and John finished our drink and went back to Orient, because they probably were waiting for us. When we left, H. gave me a big hug and made my day lol. Back at Orient John surprised us all with his sexy voice and after that we left and headed for Temple Bar. There I entered and everybody started singing happy birthday to me, aawwww the sweeties! :) There's too much to tell about that night at Temple but all I say about it is that I couldn't imagine a better place or better people to spend that day with, it was perfect.

After the Temple party we headed for Kitty's, where they also wished me all a happy birthday (I think one guy said it like 20 times) and they gave me a special cocktail, but it was so bad I gave it to the others and Daisy drank the whole thing at once right before her mom was there. :D And whoooo was in Kitty's suddenly... the Regatta boys! Nuri came to me and said some nice things, gave his e-mail address and went sleeping. :) Then there was Ali. Me and Nano both thought he was cute, I danced on the tables with him, Nano took the poor guy's t-shirt so he had to beg for it and eventually I gave it back because he looked so pathetic. When Kitty's closed at 5AM, we all (yes including Ali muhaha) went for soup at Lezzet Evi and the whole Kitty bunch was there aswell. (Gossip: Dinno was eating soup with a transvestite for sure.) After the soup we shared a cab with Daisy and José, Ali decided to walk. But as we were in the cab, we passed Ali and we practically dragged him back in. So we took him with us to the house. Seemed like a good idea at that time, pissed as we were. When we were lying on the couch, we started talking and found out Ali was 20 years old. Then hé found out me and Nano were 24 and 28. Big shock for the poor guy. We talked for a while and for me he got more and more silly by the minute. Nano said 'I am going to bed, have fun with him!', but I said 'no way bitch, you're not leaving me alone with him!' :) So eventually the 3 of us were just lying there on the couch until half past 8, when my taxi arrived. We dropped Ali off in the centre and drove off to Izmir Airport. That was that... In Izmir I almost started crying when saying goodbye to Nano, but I think we were both too pissed and tired to show much emotions. On my way to the plane I met the same guy that I had met in Brussels when leaving, so I had someone to talk to and to keep me awake! At 8PM Sunday 4th of May I was home... still a little drunk, but totally numb.

Me and Mr Perfect... 4 years later.

My mother’s cell phone is broken and she asked me if I had an old one she could borrow, until she found a new one she liked. So I searched and found my old one. It’s the one I used 4 years ago, filled with messages from ‘him’. I decided to go through them. Bad idea…

15 June 2004: there was a 3 Doors Down concert that evening, and some friends of mine were planning to go. HE asked me if I was going… so I took my chance, said yes and asked if he was coming along aswell. He agreed to join us!! Inside I already became excited like a little child. Like I cared about some silly concert, I was going to see him for the very first time! At that point, I already should have known it was going to end up in a very awkward situation. I knew he, G., had a girlfriend and he didn’t seem very unhappy about that, but still… we were talking on msn every day and every night, for hours and hours. I have no idea what we were talking about, but it felt so good and so right at that time. So I hadn’t seen this guy before, except on some pictures, but I became very attracted to him, to his intelligence and his humour.

Then the big day was there, and I saw him walking up to me, with that big smile, clearly a bit shy. Me, I was so stressed out about this that I couldn’t even smile at all in the beginning! :) We were at the concert with 5 people, we had a good laugh and everybody seemed to enjoy themselves. But all I kept thinking was ‘what is he thinking about me, I need to know!’. Of course I was too chicken to talk much to him, so I had no idea what was going on in his mind. The day after, about the first thing he said to me on msn was ‘was it such a disappointment to see me in real life, that you didn’t talk to me?’ Ok, so he must have had the same doubts as I had, consequence: we went both home with the same, wrong conclusions. Actually for me it was clear, I had met my Mr Perfect. :) And to my big surprise, he liked me aswell! Time went by, the daily chats became more and more important to me (and to him aswell), so we needed to see each other again.

After that second time we saw each other, I was certain, he was the one guy I wanted. In my head, everything was positive, oh we would end up together forever and have like a million babies together lol. :) His girlfriend? She was SO out of the picture! He was gonna say to her he loved me more and he was going to choose me! Yeah yeah, in my head… the real life story was slightly different. He didn’t break up with her, but he didn’t stop seeing me either. And worst of all, I let him play with me like this.

After about 2 years this really made me ill, every day I lost the smile on my face a bit more, until there was nothing more to do then cry and be depressed about this. I got bitchy against G. because he had created this by not choosing me, but always telling me I was better than her. One night he and some of my friends were at my house because we were all going out together, and at one point I got a bit too close to him, he responded bad to it and I became really irritated by it. I even ignored him a while, and so he left early. This point was really the beginning of the end between us. And until today I am not sure whether to be happy about it or to blame myself for reacting like that and causing things to end.

The days after that night out were really bad. We were throwing things at each other time after time. He was saying he was surprised because I acted like such a child, that I didn’t understand him, I was putting too much pressure on him,… And me, every day I was rubbing his nose in the fact that he had his girlfriend ànd me, and that he should choose me if I really was better than her, like he had said before. Because we were both so disappointed in each other, we decided to back off and forget each other. We didn’t speak to each other anymore.

That decision was really hard on me. I felt like I had lost everything. I knew I always had been his Number 2, but still… better than nothing. And it’s not like it was just any guy, it was G… my very own Mr Perfect. I believed it then, and I believe that now.

Today I thought that whole period over. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve never been happier than during the period I was seeing G. The highs were extremely high, and the lows were extremely low. It wasn’t healthy, I know that. But on the other hand, at least I sort of ‘had’ him, for the time he was with me and we had the best conversations and the best laugh. I’ve been with 2 guys after him. But I loved neither of them. And so I never told them ‘I love you’, which was extremely frustrating for them. They kept asking why I never said that. And I didn’t tell the real reason, but I knew very well what was going on. They were not G. and that was all there was to it. Until today I still compare when I meet someone new. I want someone who I can talk with just as good as I could do with him. I want someone who makes me feel just as special as he made me feel. I want… him.
And the fact that he started talking to me a few weeks ago doesn’t make it any easier. He said he ‘had’ to talk to me again, couldn’t handle the tension between us anymore (well that tension lasted 2 years, seems to me he could handle it just perfectly). I played cool and was happy as ever, but inside it all came up again. I can never get to a normal ‘just friends’ relationship with this guy. It seems like he can and that he banned all the previous things between us out of his head, but I am just an oversensitive little girl, I can’t do that. :) So for the time being we talk on chat now and then, for a few minutes, and that’s it. But I am sure this won’t last. But he can never know I’m still confused about him that’s for sure.

So that’s how I feel. And he? Well he must feel really good with his girlfriend, because they’ve started to build a house together.

An

Life is full of little surprises!

Today Neal started talking to me on msn. Neal is a girl I met in Turkey 2.5 years ago during an international school programme and we didn't have much contact since then so I was a little surprised when she spoke to me. Vessi, another girl, was also there during the programma and she came from Germany. Well today Neal saw in my msn nickname that I am going to Kusadasi next week. And also next week Vessi is coming to visit Neal in Izmir! SO, now Vessi and Neal are coming over to visit me in Kusadasi on my birthday the 3rd of may!!! AND turns out that on the 4th, me and Vessi are flying back to Germany on the same flight :O This is just too much coincidence at once lol...

Well anyway, I am VERY happy to see these 2 nice girls again after more than 2 years!

An

War

At a certain point in life, everybody has to battle in their own little war. I am only 23 years old, but I hope I already had mine. 2007 is the year it all happened, and my battle was against the devil called Cancer. I've always kept fighting and didn't think about giving up once. And well, as you can read I am still here, so I have won my war. People say 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' and in the beginning when this all was over and I thought I was 'normal' again, I was naïeve enough to believe this. Bus as time goes by, it becomes obvious to me that I am nothing like before, and I am certainly not stronger. I'm not the care-free girl I was, I lost my long hair and gained about 20 kgs. So would YOU say I am stronger? No I don't think so. Oké, I'm still here and shouldn't think about those silly things like hair or weight, but it's not so easy if you have an image of yourself in your head and that image doesn't fit with what you see in the mirror every day. I've taken up running twice a week, so that's a good start no? :)

Sometimes, like today, I get very insecure about myself and think that everybody is staring at me and secretly thinking 'oh god, look at that ugly weird girl'. In 10 days I am off for holiday to Kusadasi, Turkey. Good of course, but also bad... it's gonna be warm there and I want a tan, but me in this condition in a bikini? Not a chance! And those cute Turkish guys ppffft. Every girl wants a little male attention, whether they admit it or not, so I am not an exception to this. But won't I just be laughed at by every guy that looks at me? Lol I know this sounds exaggerated, but at the moment this is how I feel.

Something needs to change, but I'm just not sure how I'm going to make that happen.

An

17 April 2008: my very first Secretary Day

I'll start my blog with a positive note: this week I had my very first gift on Secretary Day!! It was a nice bunch of tulips and very kind words of the colleagues. And it really got to me, because i'm just the trainee in that company and in 3 weeks I will be gone there, so I really didn't expect anything... but this makes me feel very appreciated.

An