Me and Mr Perfect... 4 years later.

My mother’s cell phone is broken and she asked me if I had an old one she could borrow, until she found a new one she liked. So I searched and found my old one. It’s the one I used 4 years ago, filled with messages from ‘him’. I decided to go through them. Bad idea…

15 June 2004: there was a 3 Doors Down concert that evening, and some friends of mine were planning to go. HE asked me if I was going… so I took my chance, said yes and asked if he was coming along aswell. He agreed to join us!! Inside I already became excited like a little child. Like I cared about some silly concert, I was going to see him for the very first time! At that point, I already should have known it was going to end up in a very awkward situation. I knew he, G., had a girlfriend and he didn’t seem very unhappy about that, but still… we were talking on msn every day and every night, for hours and hours. I have no idea what we were talking about, but it felt so good and so right at that time. So I hadn’t seen this guy before, except on some pictures, but I became very attracted to him, to his intelligence and his humour.

Then the big day was there, and I saw him walking up to me, with that big smile, clearly a bit shy. Me, I was so stressed out about this that I couldn’t even smile at all in the beginning! :) We were at the concert with 5 people, we had a good laugh and everybody seemed to enjoy themselves. But all I kept thinking was ‘what is he thinking about me, I need to know!’. Of course I was too chicken to talk much to him, so I had no idea what was going on in his mind. The day after, about the first thing he said to me on msn was ‘was it such a disappointment to see me in real life, that you didn’t talk to me?’ Ok, so he must have had the same doubts as I had, consequence: we went both home with the same, wrong conclusions. Actually for me it was clear, I had met my Mr Perfect. :) And to my big surprise, he liked me aswell! Time went by, the daily chats became more and more important to me (and to him aswell), so we needed to see each other again.

After that second time we saw each other, I was certain, he was the one guy I wanted. In my head, everything was positive, oh we would end up together forever and have like a million babies together lol. :) His girlfriend? She was SO out of the picture! He was gonna say to her he loved me more and he was going to choose me! Yeah yeah, in my head… the real life story was slightly different. He didn’t break up with her, but he didn’t stop seeing me either. And worst of all, I let him play with me like this.

After about 2 years this really made me ill, every day I lost the smile on my face a bit more, until there was nothing more to do then cry and be depressed about this. I got bitchy against G. because he had created this by not choosing me, but always telling me I was better than her. One night he and some of my friends were at my house because we were all going out together, and at one point I got a bit too close to him, he responded bad to it and I became really irritated by it. I even ignored him a while, and so he left early. This point was really the beginning of the end between us. And until today I am not sure whether to be happy about it or to blame myself for reacting like that and causing things to end.

The days after that night out were really bad. We were throwing things at each other time after time. He was saying he was surprised because I acted like such a child, that I didn’t understand him, I was putting too much pressure on him,… And me, every day I was rubbing his nose in the fact that he had his girlfriend ànd me, and that he should choose me if I really was better than her, like he had said before. Because we were both so disappointed in each other, we decided to back off and forget each other. We didn’t speak to each other anymore.

That decision was really hard on me. I felt like I had lost everything. I knew I always had been his Number 2, but still… better than nothing. And it’s not like it was just any guy, it was G… my very own Mr Perfect. I believed it then, and I believe that now.

Today I thought that whole period over. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve never been happier than during the period I was seeing G. The highs were extremely high, and the lows were extremely low. It wasn’t healthy, I know that. But on the other hand, at least I sort of ‘had’ him, for the time he was with me and we had the best conversations and the best laugh. I’ve been with 2 guys after him. But I loved neither of them. And so I never told them ‘I love you’, which was extremely frustrating for them. They kept asking why I never said that. And I didn’t tell the real reason, but I knew very well what was going on. They were not G. and that was all there was to it. Until today I still compare when I meet someone new. I want someone who I can talk with just as good as I could do with him. I want someone who makes me feel just as special as he made me feel. I want… him.
And the fact that he started talking to me a few weeks ago doesn’t make it any easier. He said he ‘had’ to talk to me again, couldn’t handle the tension between us anymore (well that tension lasted 2 years, seems to me he could handle it just perfectly). I played cool and was happy as ever, but inside it all came up again. I can never get to a normal ‘just friends’ relationship with this guy. It seems like he can and that he banned all the previous things between us out of his head, but I am just an oversensitive little girl, I can’t do that. :) So for the time being we talk on chat now and then, for a few minutes, and that’s it. But I am sure this won’t last. But he can never know I’m still confused about him that’s for sure.

So that’s how I feel. And he? Well he must feel really good with his girlfriend, because they’ve started to build a house together.

An

Life is full of little surprises!

Today Neal started talking to me on msn. Neal is a girl I met in Turkey 2.5 years ago during an international school programme and we didn't have much contact since then so I was a little surprised when she spoke to me. Vessi, another girl, was also there during the programma and she came from Germany. Well today Neal saw in my msn nickname that I am going to Kusadasi next week. And also next week Vessi is coming to visit Neal in Izmir! SO, now Vessi and Neal are coming over to visit me in Kusadasi on my birthday the 3rd of may!!! AND turns out that on the 4th, me and Vessi are flying back to Germany on the same flight :O This is just too much coincidence at once lol...

Well anyway, I am VERY happy to see these 2 nice girls again after more than 2 years!

An

War

At a certain point in life, everybody has to battle in their own little war. I am only 23 years old, but I hope I already had mine. 2007 is the year it all happened, and my battle was against the devil called Cancer. I've always kept fighting and didn't think about giving up once. And well, as you can read I am still here, so I have won my war. People say 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' and in the beginning when this all was over and I thought I was 'normal' again, I was naïeve enough to believe this. Bus as time goes by, it becomes obvious to me that I am nothing like before, and I am certainly not stronger. I'm not the care-free girl I was, I lost my long hair and gained about 20 kgs. So would YOU say I am stronger? No I don't think so. Oké, I'm still here and shouldn't think about those silly things like hair or weight, but it's not so easy if you have an image of yourself in your head and that image doesn't fit with what you see in the mirror every day. I've taken up running twice a week, so that's a good start no? :)

Sometimes, like today, I get very insecure about myself and think that everybody is staring at me and secretly thinking 'oh god, look at that ugly weird girl'. In 10 days I am off for holiday to Kusadasi, Turkey. Good of course, but also bad... it's gonna be warm there and I want a tan, but me in this condition in a bikini? Not a chance! And those cute Turkish guys ppffft. Every girl wants a little male attention, whether they admit it or not, so I am not an exception to this. But won't I just be laughed at by every guy that looks at me? Lol I know this sounds exaggerated, but at the moment this is how I feel.

Something needs to change, but I'm just not sure how I'm going to make that happen.

An

17 April 2008: my very first Secretary Day

I'll start my blog with a positive note: this week I had my very first gift on Secretary Day!! It was a nice bunch of tulips and very kind words of the colleagues. And it really got to me, because i'm just the trainee in that company and in 3 weeks I will be gone there, so I really didn't expect anything... but this makes me feel very appreciated.

An