War

At a certain point in life, everybody has to battle in their own little war. I am only 23 years old, but I hope I already had mine. 2007 is the year it all happened, and my battle was against the devil called Cancer. I've always kept fighting and didn't think about giving up once. And well, as you can read I am still here, so I have won my war. People say 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' and in the beginning when this all was over and I thought I was 'normal' again, I was naïeve enough to believe this. Bus as time goes by, it becomes obvious to me that I am nothing like before, and I am certainly not stronger. I'm not the care-free girl I was, I lost my long hair and gained about 20 kgs. So would YOU say I am stronger? No I don't think so. Oké, I'm still here and shouldn't think about those silly things like hair or weight, but it's not so easy if you have an image of yourself in your head and that image doesn't fit with what you see in the mirror every day. I've taken up running twice a week, so that's a good start no? :)

Sometimes, like today, I get very insecure about myself and think that everybody is staring at me and secretly thinking 'oh god, look at that ugly weird girl'. In 10 days I am off for holiday to Kusadasi, Turkey. Good of course, but also bad... it's gonna be warm there and I want a tan, but me in this condition in a bikini? Not a chance! And those cute Turkish guys ppffft. Every girl wants a little male attention, whether they admit it or not, so I am not an exception to this. But won't I just be laughed at by every guy that looks at me? Lol I know this sounds exaggerated, but at the moment this is how I feel.

Something needs to change, but I'm just not sure how I'm going to make that happen.

An