What's the point of it all?

Sometimes, as in now, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m sitting at home, thinking about my life and thinking how useless it seems. I have my share of friends who I love and they love me too, I have a good job, great parents. But does that make my life meaningful? I’m afraid not. I don’t have someone to come home to at night, to share the good times and the bad, to go to bed with in the evenings and wake up in his arms in the morning. I know that’s not what should control my life, but it does at the moment because it’s the only thing I really miss. I miss the feeling of confidence in myself and in my future. At the moment it all feels so empty.

I know what made me feel like this, or better who. I just got back from Kusadasi, and yes… some sweet-talking no good lowlife got into my head.
Hm did I just write that? I know he’s no good, but oh god he is so adorable, knows just what to say to me, how to make me melt inside. I know this guy for months, it was the third time I saw him. From day one he caught my eye, but so what… I knew he had a fiancée so I didn’t show him that I liked him or anything. But they are so good at this; he must have seen it from the beginning. Well first time I saw him in May when I was there to celebrate my birthday and we didn’t say much to each other. Second time in June we were both a lot more talkative and there was a little touch here and there. I have to admit normally I don’t think I would appreciate a guy getting all touchy, but he could do just about anything with me at that point (as a matter of speaking!). So without thinking about it, I think from that moment I kind of showed him my interest.
Last time, in July, it was like there were no boundaries anymore… the first night he gave me a big hug, saying how happy he was to see me again, that I was his favourite, he missed me, blabla.
Then again all the little strokes here and there, all the eye contact. When I think about it, it was really a night full of flirting. Still I was shocked when the second night he just came to me and asked me to come back for him at closing time, so we could go home together. WHAT?! First for months he is telling me how great I am, that he loves the way how I’m behaving myself in Kusadasi, not throwing myself in front of every guy in Bar Street and how he respects that. Now he just tells me as blunt as possible how he sees I like him and that he wants to be with me that week because he likes me too. Well what an asshole, having a fiancée and saying those things. But oh god how right he was about me.
So should I? Hm tough one. If I purely thought about the pleasure for that night, I would have said yes right away. But I’m just not like that. I really had started to like that guy, how silly that may sound. I thought he could be just a friend, because I was not at all planning to come in-between a relationship. But time after time it comes to show: with Turkish men it’s all or nothing. Just being friends with a woman seems really impossible.
So I told this guy I wasn’t going to sleep with him, because if I did, what would be the result in the morning? I wouldn’t be any better than the sluts walking around Bar Street, just looking to go home with a handsome bar man. I’m no one night stand kinda girl, too bad… But he knew just as well as I did, that my answer came from my mind, not from my heart. My heart said go for it, because I liked him and what’s the big deal, we could have had a great week together and that’s it. So night after night this game went on. One night I actually was on my way home with him. I got myself that far, but still at one point I just knew nothing good would come out of it, so I said no, once again. Must have been pretty frustrating for the guy. :)
But at the end of the day I’m happy I didn’t go further than kissing with him, because now I’m already in a pretty bad mood, but if I slept with him I think it would have been 10 times worse, I don’t want to imagine that one.

Why can’t I just meet a Belgian guy, just as cute and funny and sweet as him, but with one little difference: genuine!
Sometimes I think what the hell, I’ll find my guy sooner or later, no worries. But oofff at the moment I think I’ll end up sad and lonely, because who would want someone like me? : Negativity all around…